As She Sleeps…

We do feeding shifts in our house.  My husband feeds Mia after we go to bed and the hours before midnight.  I feed her after midnight and into the morning.  We both get about 5 hours of sleep per night–give or take.  This works pretty well for us since he starts work at 7am and I’m on partial maternity leave working part time from home.  So what this means for me is that I am up in the wee hours of the morning with our baby girl.  I listen to the silence of the house.  I am a witness to the dogs’ snores and farts.  I hear the trains passing over the nearby tracks–sometimes several times each morning.  I love hearing the trains.  Sometimes I look out the back door into almost complete darkness and sense the peace outside.  And when I’m up in the wee hours with our baby, I think.  Boy, do I think.  I stare into the face of our child and get lost in thought.  Since I haven’t written in a while and I’m feeling sentimental, I wanted to share a snippet of these thoughts with you.

My stream of consciousness:

  • She looks so peaceful
  • I wish I could have someone wrap me up, feed me, and rock me to sleep–but that would be weird
  • In my parallel universe, what am I doing right now?
  • She kind of looks like Yoda.
  • Does she know I’m her mom?
  • What does she dream about?
  • This child’s life is in my two hands.
  • Are you going to be living with us until you’re 30? God, I hope not.  Shit, I’ll be 68 when you’re 30.
  • My two hands are capable, right?
  • If I could lose weight as fast as she gains weight, I’d be a hottie boombalottie.
  • She looks like her sister when she’s sleeping.
  • I promise to love you forever, little one.
  • How can she poop in her diaper and continue to sleep so soundly?
  • Is this really happening–is there an infant in my arms?
  • I think I just saw a ghostly shadow.  I shouldn’t have watched Paranormal Activity 1 and 2 in a row yesterday–even though they were dumb and so not scary.
  • What kind of personality is brewing inside of her? Do I have anything to do with it, or is it already decided?
  • Does this Dr. Brown bottle really do what it says it does?  She still burps and spits up. I don’t get it.
  • How can I vacuum during the day and she stays sound asleep, but at night she becomes the sleep-fighting ninja.
  • Why can’t I tell what color her eyes are yet?  How long does it take? Maybe I should Google it.  Yeah, add that to my list of things to Google.
  • I need some new underwear.
  • How in the hell will we be able to afford childcare expenses for two children now?
  • Are you going to hate me when you’re 16?
  • Maybe concealer would help with the dark circles under my eyes.  At 38, why the hell don’t I own concealer?
  • Derek and I created you.  From nothing.  Damn, that’s amazing.
  • She’s so hairy!
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound?
  • I think I want to get my remaining tube tied. Would they charge me the same to tie just 1 tube?
  • Does the sound of crying bother everyone like it bothers me? Are some moms ok with it? I really can’t stand it and it makes me slightly nutso.
  • “We won’t be sad.  We’ll be glad for all the life we’ve had and we’ll remember when.”  {Alan Jackson}
  • Why are my boobs STILL leaking?  I need to Google that too.
  • Before we had kids, we thought raising children would be “fun.”  I’m not so sure that’s the adjective I’d use to describe it now.
  •  Are my dead relatives and friends watching me right now?
  • I need a separate paycheck dedicated to Target runs.
  • Please hurry up and get bigger… I can’t take these sleepless nights for much longer.
  • “D. O. R. A. Dora and friends into the city.  Dora. Dora. Dora and friends into the city.  D. O. R. A. adventure every day.”  I hate that fucking show!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Ella’s beauty mark on her upper lip is cooler than Cindy Crawford’s.
  • I still need to buy a damn blender.  I want a Keurig too.
  • I have two children.  I never imagined myself with any.  And I have two.  Plural.
  • I don’t worry about  my children thinking I’m a good parent.  I want them to think I’m a good person who also happens to be their parent.
  • I’m ok with becoming a soccer mom one day–minus the minivan.  No minivan for this girl.
  • I love you and your sister more than words can ever say…and I hope you always know it and feel it and carry it with you.
  • I’m no longer running and chasing after a finish line.  This is it.  To quote a cheesy movie line, “You [my family] complete me.”
  • I devote the rest of my life to being your mother.
  • I may not always know what I’m doing, but I’m full of good intentions.
  • Your dad and I could not be more proud.  We love you truly.

Thanks for reading 🙂

~M

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