when will I “glow”?

Never! I will never glow because I am too busy feeling like shit! Pregnant women glowing is a big fat myth!!

I’ll be brutally honest here.  Being pregnant is a drag.  You guessed it–I don’t like it.  Not one bit.  And I don’t feel guilty for saying it.

I’ve never understood and can’t remotely relate to those women who say that they love being pregnant; that’s it’s the most glorious time of their lives.  I don’t care what anyone says–being pregnant is not for the faint of heart.  But maybe these women who love it so much had an easy go of it.  Maybe they are symptom-free.  But maybe, just maybe, they are so enlightened and such wonderful people and know deep down that they are doing amazing work, somehow embrace it, ignore all the yuckiness, and see themselves as the superheroes they are, and truly LOVE pregnancy.  And I mean that nicely.  Maybe they endure all the shit and don’t mind it because they’re just so full of love for this child that they’ve created.  I mean, the world is full of all sorts of people. It could be possible, right?  Selfless and complaint-free women.  Right?  Well, good for them, but I’m not one of them!

Let’s break it down a little.  I am 37 and am 11 weeks pregnant with our second child.  They say that the first trimester is the worst, but I’ll tell you that all 3 trimesters are no walk in the park.  Not the kind of parks I like to frequent anyway.  But it is true; trimester 1 is a real bitch.  And I’m almost through it.  Thank God.  Here’s what’s been happening (I’m limiting myself to only 5 grievances)…

1.  My boobs.  For most women, the boobs are the first things to go…er, change.  They get massive.  And they hurt.  I was a lovely 38C and am now a 38D–only 11 weeks in! I’m doomed! And I happen to be one of those women who DO NOT like big boobs.  They get in my way.  They block the view of my pedicure.  And the bigger they are, the more they sag.  And boy do they sag.  It’s like this:  I get home from work, take off my bra, hold on to my boobs and let them fall slowly–just so that they don’t hit the ground so hard on impact.  And they hurt!!! So badly! Imagine your worst period boob hurt and multiply it by 6 and then add a little hot tingle.   Yep–it’s rough.  Oh and let’s leave out how the areolas change color and also increase in size.  It’s too disturbing to mention.  My husband stares at them too–and I don’t think it’s a good kind of stare.  {yes, I know there is a reason for all this, but come on, Mother Nature–I have like 7 months to go before I need them for that}

2. Food issues.  This pregnancy is just weird.  Once again, water is out. I live on watered down cranberry juice, diet 7-Up, or lemonade.  I can eat meat–but only sometimes and if it doesn’t smell weird.  I need most things to be spicy and douse everything with Sriracha or salsa.  Peanut butter makes me sick, and what a bummer because I love it.  I love the taste of butter.  The only thing that settles my belly is sugar.  Cake, donuts, chocolate, Mike & Ike, Swedish Fish, Twizzlers–I could run my own 7-11 with the amount of crap I keep in my desk drawers.  All the stuff I loved before, I hate.  All the stuff I didn’t eat before, I love.  I have Taco Bell’s chicken quesadilla once a week, and have no shame eating a #14 from Checkers.  I NEVER ate like this!  I mean, I splurged here and there, but grease and sugar have become staples.  And anyone who says that you can control it and that it’s in your head has never been pregnant.  It’s more than just cravings.  They truly take the nausea away and stop my mouth from filling up with saliva–that gross thing that happens before you vomit..  And, don’t get me wrong– my ass is YELLING at me!  She’s pissed!  Fat, busty and pregnant–how sexy. {hmmm, maybe my husband isn’t staring–maybe he’s disgusted.  It’s all coming together now.}

3. Aches and Pains.  Some of these include: headaches, backaches, fatigue, and heartburn.  You just learn to deal with these and get used to them.  Being pregnant means a constant state of feeling like shit.  And as sure as the sun sets in the west, my muscles are turning to mush.  No, this isn’t in my head either.  It’s a fact.  When you’re pregnant, you produce a hormone that softens the muscles.  Stuff that wasn’t heavy to me before is nearly impossible to lift.  Picking up my child is hard.  And going to the gym is a damn chore.  I am lifting almost half of what I did before and it makes me feel so old.  Then there’s what I call The Stretch.  Every now and again, I feel an intense stretch in my abdominal area. Well, it’s more like a hard pull.  My abs are slowly moving out and away in order to make room for my growing uterus.  And it fucking hurts! Especially when The Stretch has shitty timing and  I’m trying  to lift something or trying to sleep. Double whammy! And triple whammy because when you’re pregnant you cant take ibuprofen or any of the good shit that knocks out the pain.  Only acetaminophen and Tums.  Nor can you get hopped up on pain killers just to pass the time and wait it out.  {So let’s add it up: busty, fat, queasy and in constant pain–what a fun mess for my husband to come home to! No wonder why he’s fishing all the time :/}

4. Nothing fits.  Before you get pregnant, you have these wild ideas that having to get  new clothes is fun.  You dream of shopping with a friend, frolicking in Motherhood Maternity, and giggling as you try stuff on over your belly.  Wrong.  It’s not fun!  It’s stressful.  And buying a new wardrobe you may never wear again, or that may be out of style by the time you may wear it again is extremely expensive.  And here’s the thing: you don’t just “pop” and have a baby bump after you get the positive pee test.  It’s a LONG journey to that bump, and you spend many weeks looking and feeling chubby.  Your old clothes still fit, but don’t look as good.  Then your belly pops a bit and you can no longer button your jeans and the zipper doesn’t go up all the way.  I don’t care what you say–those belly bands suck and make it worse.  They just squish the button into your belly and create lines that look like you’re wearing a girdle.  Then your old pants get too tight in the butt and hips and your tops seem to shrink, so you live in your  maxi skirts and dig out some of your  baggier tops, but it’s still not right.  Maternity pants are still too big, your jeans are too tight, and your tops look too small because your boobs are so damn big.  So for a month or so, getting dressed for work in the morning causes great anxiety.  Yesterday, I had on maternity capris that were too big with a top that’s really a dress for a short person.  D said to me, “You spent all day in that?” Thanks honey.  I sure as fuck did, and it sucked!  Unless you get lucky and your body just grows perfectly into pregnancy, nothing looks normal and you don’t really look pregnant until you’re like 3 or so months along (for me anyway, because I’m tall).  And for this gal, that’s a long time to go feeling weird and like a “tweener.”   Tweener no more–I’m going to Target today and will be spending a small fortune on their maternity line.

5. Holy Mood Swings.  No one does mood swings like a pregnant lady.  I go from happy and content to psycho pissed in a New York minute.  All it takes is the wrong look and I’ll find the nearest pencil and snap it in half.  I cry over dumb shit. I take everything to heart and then dwell on it.  I feel guilt about letting Ella watch too much TV and then overcompensate by drowning her in alphabet flash cards until she cries.  Then in an instant, D asks me what I want for dinner and I get mad. Seems like a question that would make one mad, right?  Yeah, I thought so.  Then off I go, fuming, to read my book and within 5 minutes I’m asleep.  Can you say psycho?  I can and psycho is me.

Good times.  Sigh.. that felt good to get off my overly-large-at-the-moment chest.  Thank you for listening.

But here’s the deal, friends.  I truly never thought it would happen for me again.  This pregnancy was unplanned and  a surprise to both of us.  Two miscarriages and 1 fallopian tube left.  So that means that I can only get pregnant every other month.  And…the craziest part… this one is due on Ella’s birthday.  So with all these obstacles, I’m somehow on the same cycle that got me pregnant four years ago.  WEIRD!  But amazing.  So freaking amazing.  It’s what we always wanted for our family,  but couldn’t.  And here we are and we didn’t even have to try.  This child is a blessing and has been so good for my wounded heart.

So all this junk I complain about… I’ve been through it before and it was even worse.  This girl sucked the life out of me.  But look at what we made and brought to the Earth.  Ella Violet.  And don’t let her sweetness fool you.  She’s a tyrant 😉 But she’s my tyrant.


And Ella needs a sibling.  She’d be such a wonderful big sister.  So I will take the bad gas and the constant fatigue.  I will take the sore, veiny boobs that look like half full water balloons.  I’ll eat like shit and be ok with it–I really don’t mind.  I’ll deal with The Stretch because it means that my child is growing.  I’ll miss my vices of wine and coffee for a little longer.  I’ll even be ok with being a psycho–people understand, right?  I’ll take all of it because it all means something so very special.  I’m growing a human being.  If I never do another single thing that matters to anyone else in the world, this will be enough.  My body helped to create this life and it is sustaining this life.  I am a superhero.  Wonder Woman to be exact.  She was always my favorite.




2 responses to “when will I “glow”?

  1. Beautiful post cousin! And I’m so thrilled for you guys, so thrilled. I just wanted to tell you…you glow indeed. Nobody sees their own glow of course, because we see all the ins and outs and it looks dim when we are in our own tough stuff. And pregnancy and raising kids is the tough stuff. So leave it to all of us, the outsiders, to watch you glow while you put all your body, heart and soul into raising your preschooler and new baby. And we do see it. You glow. A glow is not what we expect it will look like…but it’s better, it’s real and you got it 🙂

    • You’re so sweet–thank you 🙂 I guess that is true–other women look pregnant and good to me, and then I’m like, “hey, what about me? why do I look like crap?” So not true!

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