We were heading out to dinner the other night, as a family, and I said, “Daisy and Minnie are in my purse.” Ella said, “OK, Mommy” and then we were out the door. As I got into the car, I kind of chuckled to myself. You don’t hear that every day, nor did I ever think I’d be saying something like that. It’s not like I sat around 10 years ago and put bets on what I would or wouldn’t be saying, but you know what I mean. Shoot, 10 years ago I didn’t think I’d have a kid. I also didn’t imagine that I’d be turning the corner on 40, having 4 dogs, and owning a 30 year old home that needs constant attention. It’s fun–I love my life, but the shit that comes out of my mouth is hard to believe sometimes.
Here are some of my favorites:
- Why do your hands smell like pee?
- You may be too young to remember this, but…
- Let’s not get poop on your book.
- This vacuum is so luxurious.
- Let me check your butt.
- If you take a bath, I’ll let you eat on the couch and give you a lolly.
- Please stop playing with Mommy’s boobies.
- Let’s go to Home Depot and just look around.
- I’m resting my eyes.
- Bye-bye Ella’s pee pee.
- Why are all the “family” parking spots always taken?
- You’re too tired for sex, aren’t you?
- If it has alcohol in it, I’ll drink it.
- Dear God, I sound like my mother.
- I bought a couple of Delta Burke bras today.
- Please don’t fling your boogers on the bed.
- Is the chin a wax-able area?
- A father at the play-land was flirting with me and I didn’t know what to do.
- I really want chocolate for dinner.
- These shoes are so supportive.
- What the hell is wrong with that child?
- Should I start using night cream?
- Wouldn’t it be funny if they made an adult version of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?
- No, Bella! Don’t rub your ass on the carpet!
- I feel sorry for that kid–look at his parents.
- For my birthday this year, I’d just like some time alone.
- Why wouldn’t anyone want to come to my knitting party?
- Let’s go out and stay up until 11!
- Can I please just shave my legs in peace?
- That stupid Stuffins song is stuck in my head.
- Where are my sweat pants? I need my sweat pants.
- I swear to God, dogs, if you bark one more time, you’re going to the pound!
- Shh, honey, Mommy’s watching Jeopardy.
- You’re carding me? I’m old enough to be your aunt. With pleasure.
- Our kid is way smarter than theirs.
- Get over yourself, Giada. It’s still just pasta.
- Go ask Daddy.
- Try not to poke your eye out.
- Can we turn off the TV and just sit here in silence?
- Kids grow up so fast.
- Do you still think I’m pretty?
- Those aren’t buttons, honey. They’re Daddy’s nipples.
I’m pretty sure most of you can relate. I think if I were to make a time-capsule from this point in my life, I’d fill it with some of these quotes. The neat thing is that in a few years, they will all be different. And you don’t even want to know what kind of list I could come up with as a teacher. It would turn your hair gray.
Life moves quickly, but sometimes it’s fun to revel in and laugh along with the minutiae.
Happy Saturday and Go Broncos!