I’m not really sure why I’m choosing to share this with the world because it’s private and personal. I think maybe I am hoping that someone somewhere has gone through it and can shed some light on it. Or maybe it might just make me feel better by venting. So here we go.
So I have been under a lot of stress at school and at first I thought that was it. I am vying for a new position within our organization, our students are a handful, and we all have spring fever and want to get the heck out of Dodge. But little things at home have been setting me off. If a dog shakes his head too many times at 3am I get mad. If the toilet handle gets stuck and I have to get up from my butt to jiggle the handle I get mad. If a student asks me for a pencil, I start a 10 minute diatribe on the importance of being prepared. And if my poor husband puts too much creamer in my coffee–that he so lovingly brings to me every morning–I get mad. That’s right, friends. He makes the coffee every morning and brings it to me so I can sip on it while I’m getting ready.
After we put Ella to bed on this past Sunday night, he turned to me and said, “You’re so hormonal.” I looked up from my knitting (the only thing that keeps me calm anymore), and started crying. “Yes,” I said. “I think so.” It’s very comical to me now as I write this, but at the time is was not really funny. Then he said, “Your miscarriage really messed you up.” “Yes indeedy”–I didn’t really argue with him on that either. And he didn’t mean in a mental way. It did mess me up mentally, but I am working through that and he would never strike such a low blow. He meant in a hormonal, female anatomy way. The waterworks came on even harder and I think I literally said, “Ahhhhhh, my uterus is a mess!!”
So here’s the problem. Men, you may want to look away and stop reading now. I have been bleeding since the end of January. That is pretty damn annoying in and of itself and enough to send anyone to the looney bin. But the reason for the constant bleeding is what I am concerned about. What the hell are my hormones doing? Four weeks after the miscarriage, it finally ended. The doctors told me I would bleed for a while and I was prepared for that. Then I started what I thought was my first new period–that was March 21. I finally stopped bleeding on Sunday. Like three days ago Sunday! I was thrilled. Then guess what? Auntie Flow came back today! Who’s kidding me?!
I’m annoyed for a few reasons. First, having your period for 3 months straight blows. I couldn’t get pregnant again even if I wanted to. Period aside– I am unpleasant to be around. Who’d want to have sex with me? (sorry Grandma!) Second, I don’t know what to expect and I was caught unprepared today. Awesome. I don’t even have a quarter to hit up the tampon machine in the girls room. Third, clearly something is wrong.
Much to my dismay, I made the phone call to Kaiser today. I am dreading it. I have been poked and prodded and have seen the inner workings of my uterus too many times to count. Frankly, I am sick of the speculum, the stirrups, the swabs and people touching my ovaries. The only real good thing is that I get to swipe the fancy blue latex gloves when no one is looking. Yep, I steal latex gloves from the doctor’s office. Pretty classy. But I’m not a klepto–we use them for painting and really nasty diaper changes…!
I have a feeling I know what they’re going to say–that nothing is wrong and sometimes it takes a while to get back to normal. Do I ask them to put me on the pill to regulate things? Derek thinks I should, but I don’t want to. They give me migraines. Plus, I want to get pregnant again. What if the pill messes me up and then I can’t? I guess that would be my fate. It’s hard to move on in my head when the rest of my body is preventing me from it.
Again, I know this is relatively minor–or at least I hope it is. I don’t have cancer and I am not infertile, and it will all eventually be normal again. But this is my reality and I just need to whine about it for a second.
If anyone knows anything or has a good suggestion, I would sure love to hear it. Readers: thank you for listening. I promise something more fun is forthcoming this week.